I guess that’s when you need to write. Usually for me, when I feel the worst, is when the writing helps the most. Lately, I have realized a few hard things. I guess most of all it’s hard to admit them out loud because it makes it more real. Sometimes, you try at something for a really long time and in the beginning you are really hopeful. But over time, the roadblocks and failures begin to break you down. At what point, do you give up?
I have always been pretty stubborn…but there is a fine line between stubborn and stupid. How many times do you have to walk into the same wall? I have been making some foolish mistakes lately. And the worst part is that I know better. Man, I have learned these lessons before.
I know all this is quite cryptic. I guess what it comes down to is that life is too short. There is no guarantee of tomorrow. If you find your days getting dark and gloomy so regularly that the sun hurts your eyes….it’s time to make a big change. Even if you don’t know what direction to go, JUST GO. Go anywhere. Just move. Move away from the place you are in because clearly it is not serving you.I have been reading about my past travels lately, and looking back at my photos. I can’t believe that was me. I miss that girl. I don’t know if I have to travel to find her again… I suspect not. I do know I need to get serious about my surroundings, and the energy I allow in my space. I am no longer interested in dabbling in toxic destructive situations. I guess that was the old me, before I travelled. I used to think what didn’t kill you made you stronger so I created the most challenging scenarios. Silly me.
One reason I decided to move out of my old building. It seems like such a little thing but the constant sirens from police, ambulance and fire trucks gradually chipped away at my inner peace. I was a frazzled mess living on that main street! It was like the frog boiling in water. I didn’t even realize how bad it was! That paired with a few unsavory characters I had to interact with while living there was enough to push me over the edge.
There was a moment when I didn’t think I could ever move, and that I should just tolerate it. I wouldn’t/couldn’t/shouldn’t deserve to leave…I should change me and deal with it and settle. It was certainly a risk to change and leave it. I am still in the process of solidifying it all, but it’s happening. And a lot more seamlessly than I imagined. I have moved, the condo sold, the house is on the market. The condo board in my new place already asked me to join them. Things are starting to fall into place.
Living in my new space, I feel like a different person. I am much more relaxed and clear-headed. Even Cricket seems to act differently here. It amazing how quickly change can affect state of mind. I guess that can go both ways. I need to be much more mindful and selective of my choices. Oh boy, do I ever. I guess admitting it is the first step.
Today I am grateful for decisions, hard limits, momentum, respect, and truth.