I have been feeling so down these last few days. Yesterday I had to quit a job that was unhealthy for me. I liked the actual work a lot but the people I had to work with were toxic and abusive. It seems like an obvious decision to anyone in their right mind. I should be celebrating relief at the separation from that miserable situation, right? Wrong.
Today I am feeling sad and angry and frustrated and hopeless and scared and did I mention angry? I am super angry! I am so mad I stuck around in a situation where I was so unsupported. I was sabotaged by a few of the more corrupt people involved when I tried to set healthy boundaries. What’s worse is that the rest of them just watched me get belittled and vilified. No one stood up for me. No one spoke up. No one had my back. I think that is what bothers me the most.
So what do I do with all this rage? I don’t hurt myself anymore, and I can’t be hurting other people (don’t get me wrong, I sure did imagine it). So I just have to sit here with it? It’s scary! All those years of counseling I had gone through the motions of expressing anger…but not really feeling it. I guess that was the dress rehearsal and this is the real thing.
I am a little shellshocked and am going through the plethora of feelings that have been building over the past 6 months. This is hard! I used to drink when I was bombarded with negative feelings but now since that is not an option, I am kind floundering. I called a friend, went for a 12K walk, watched some mindless TV, played with the kittens, had a bath. I did all the things on the checklist. But I still feel kinda desperate and fearful of the intensity of these emotions. Anger is stressful!
It doesn’t help that there is a death metal festival going on in the field right next door to my house for the next two days. My least favorite kind of music and it is LOUD. Slayer, Marilyn Manson, Disturbed along with a bunch of other shock and thrash metal is super vexatious to my soul. FML.
I was tempted to order a bunch of chinese food and scarf down some ice cream but I thought better of it. I have stayed at my 125 lb weight loss for a while now and I don’t want to lose that achievement. It’s one thing to lose 30 pounds but entirely another to keep it off. I was even tempted to drink but that went away after a minute. I remembered how unproductive that was. Plus I am half a year sober today. I don’t want to have to start all over again. I thought about locking myself in my dark bedroom and hiding under the covers for a few days. But damn that screaming music.
I asked for some help on Facebook where I got some good advice to practice some serious self-care, then do something you will succeed at. Give yourself an easy task that will help rebuild some confidence. I ended up deciding to make my favorite keto cherry cheesecake pie (recipe to come) that I am really good at. That kept me busy for a while and I felt like I had accomplished something. Once it’s chilled, it will be a much healthier gobble than those ice cream pints I was eyeing. A good friend pointed me towards some Ted Talks and I watched one that really resonated with me. Why is this stuff not taught in schools? Emotional Hygiene
Now I am planning to do some work around the house to get it ready for my new granite countertops that are coming next week. I am going to work on focusing on my exciting renovations and not allowing myself to ruminate on the negative. It’s a bad habit that I can see has caused me great stress in the past. Totally unnecessary. But since it is my default, it takes a bit of doing to retrain my brain. I can do it.