Healing – Arambol, India

Well India is certainly not for the faint of heart. I am pretty tough most of the time but come on!

So where was I…I was in Baga for a while and had a couple interesting experiences with a couchsurfing that I wouldn’t want to repeat again. I met some travelers who I would like to meet again. And I trusted some of the wrong people with way too much. My judgment is way off right now and I have made some ridiculously poor decisions. But instant my karma, I am paying as we speak.

Went to Sunburn which had some pretty fantastic DJs and the mostly Indian crowd was quite welcoming and friendly. They used a stunning décor team who did up 7 stages and the sponsors had all sorts off cool stuff going on. Google was there providing free wi-fi, as was YouTube where you could send off live stream of yourself from the event. There was a fun photo booth from MTV and then there was the Absolut Vodka tent…this is where the trouble started. I discovered Vanilla Vodka n Cranberry drinks and that was pretty much the end of me. I ended up losing my friends most of the time but made new ones right away. I didn’t like that I spent so much time not being present…that is a big no no for festivals which I learned years ago. Anyway in the end, it was awesome and I would go again, unless they move it from the beach which to me was one of the main bonuses.

New Years I spend with a small group at a popular Baga club called Titos. It was ok but what made it awesome was that I was with a tight group who all meshed well together. When one of the girls got sick, the boys even left the party to walk us all home. I thought that was really nice. I had some champagne,  a couple good New Years kisses and called it a night.

Next I moved into my own place which reminded me just how important having my own space is. I was there a week and spent the time zooming around on my scooter, laying at the beach shack getting my toes painted and eating calamari. I went to a juggling conference where I practiced my double short staff and poi with some masters. That ended up in a cool fire show that evening which was put to a abrupt end when the DJ quit at ten sharp shutting up his laptop and walking away while the fire spinners were still going. It was strange to see them continue with no music. Went to a Silent Noise party in Palolum but it was a dud as there was only one of the three DJs and they didn’t have enough headphones for everyone. I ended up most of the night trying to borrow, beg or steal from others finally giving up and heading to the beach to do some night yoga alone. There were a few more nights at the bar and also the Saturday Night Market fiasco. I ended up going against my better judgment and partying my troubles away which led to more bad decisions. In the end, my confusion and self doubt began to serious erode my well being. Without my iPhone I am seriously disabled as it was my link to connection and sanity. My ability to write, Skype, photograph, and decompress with music is limited to none. Slowly (and sometimes really quickly) I was losing it.

It all ended badly on my birthday when it all came to a nasty climax. Palolum is a beautiful place and began it all in high spirits. But the illusion was shattered. By the end of it, I had been hit in the face by one of my so called friends while the other one (these are two real gentlemen, I tell you) just looked the other way, developed pneumonia, and began a dangerous downward spiral into a dark depressive place. I spent the next few days scared, confused, and angry…mostly at myself. I take full responsibility for it all. I indulged in a false sense of security. I should have set my standards higher. I was being stupid. I was clearly punishing myself for *something*. It has been a rough few months and here was the perfect storm. Never again. So began my journey back to a higher vibrational reality, state of consciousness, and self respect. WAKE UP CALL!

I was recovering too slowly and realized I needed to move and fast. The stale energy was eating me alive. So even though I was still quite ill, with every last ounce of strength I had, I got on the bus to Arambol. I had heard this place was full of healers, hippies, and cheap beach houses. Plus staying there was a small group of women travelers I had met previously that kept urging me to come. Was a very good decision. Just sitting on the crowded bus from Mapusa, even though I was the only white person and the greasy teenager in front of me was crude in every way, I felt hopeful for the first time in weeks.

An hour later, I paid my twenty rupees and hopped off into a small bustling village of long term tourists, happy hippies, and one of the best fashion shows in India. Sure there is a bit of ego here but not mean and exploitative like the crowd I just came from. I found my girls and am now living next door where I have made my room my own. I finally feel a sense of peace that has been evading me for the last few months. I am still not quite well enough to see further than tomorrow but at least for today, I can breathe.

Grateful for remembering why.

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