Daily Archives: 2012-01-12

Down and almost out – Baga, India

Man I am taking a beating. I feel like I am being tested in some way. I am starting to question and doubt everything and thought I have. I am so tired. And I am so unbelievably lonely.

I am sitting at an internet cafe now because my iphone has been stolen. The only thing I really worried about happening did. There was a lot on there that cannot be replaced. Sucks. More than that was the fact that I was targeted. I was at the Saturday Night Market here in Goa and while I was in a shop trying on a skirt, the bag was taken from the bench. I know its my own stupidity. But I am pretty sure I know who it was. You know when you get that weird feeling. And when I reported it, the manager of the market said they had a problem last year with a Russian theft ring.

Anyway I am also really sick right now. I have had big ups and downs with the people I have been meeting. Some are really kind and others are downright nasty. It seems there is no in between. I need a hug. I want familiarity. I need to be able to trust someone. I am getting so depressed. I am trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself. I am thinking about going home…but something tells me that this feeling will follow me. I am not really thinking all that straight.

After Pune, I came to Goa and spent Xmas with a bunch of strangers. It was nice and true to form, I ate too much. I have been having some questionable interactions with people and am having a hard time not feeling crazy. I am really not used to experiencing such negativity much less drowning in it.

New Years Eve was a great time and I got to know some people who I spent alot of time with over the next few days. A heavy partying bunch they were wonderful when my stuff got stolen…they whisked me away to a beach down south where they wouldn’t let me think about my worries. But now I am home in my rented flat again…alone…and stressed. I can’t replace my BMO bank card without a ton of problems. They sure don’t cater to troubled travelers. I am lucky I have my CIBC card still.

I am afraid of asking for help from anyone right now…I am feeling so fragile. I hate being this way.

Today I am not feeling very grateful. I guess I am alive. That’s something, I guess.

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