Reconstruction Zone

There are only three sleeps left before I begin my next big adventure. I am just starting to feel gurgles of excitement from the deep depths of my traveling soul. I have not traveled like this for years. It hasn’t been since my last RTW (2002-05) that I have really felt free. And if I were to be completely honest, I don’t think I have been truly happy either.

The past four years have been quite a struggle. I have faced serious health issues, major loss, and endured acute trauma. I outgrew my job at TravelPod, ended an abusive relationship, and confronted my oldest, most powerful demons.

There are some things I will never get back. Like my friend who took his life last Christmas after an unsuccessful battle with depression. And my bike that took a hit from a careless SUV last summer while I was on it. And though I am trying to maintain my eternal optimism, I am now more likely to spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I guess what it comes down to is that these past few years have made me more honest with myself.

My double decade long flirtation with death finally came to an abrupt stop this past year. My moment of truth came 20 months ago when I decided that I would rather live than die. They say when it rains, it pours and I was drowning in this flash flood. My tendency towards self destructiveness was amplified from moderately toxic to lethal when suddenly, everything came crashing down at once. A dangerous combination of random events put me in a precarious position. In no time at all, I was in over my head. Normally I am pretty resilient but finally I reached my breaking point and became overwhelmed.

I was in a sharp downward spiral heading into a black hole. After crumbling to my knees at lightening speed, I identified that I was smack dab in the middle of a serious crisis. Fortunately there were a few choice moments of clarity which rocked me out of my stupor long enough to initiate a call for help. It took a lot of humility to admit just how far out of control this runaway train had gotten. It was devastated that for the first time in my life, I couldn‘t “handle“ this alone.

My predicament had gone beyond the scope of a friends and family fix so I didn’t waste time talking to them about it. After a frank discussion with my doctor, I enlisted a team of professionals. Just to be sure, I hired a second line of defense and alternates for those backups as well. As I had fallen through the cracks before so I made certain I had extra insurance. The gravity of my situation had finally hit me and I realized this was my last chance. I couldn’t afford to lose this war which had deeper roots than I had ever imagined.

I did everything right, followed all the rules, and began the harsh uphill climb that would be my recovery from a very dark dark place. In order to ensure my success, I isolated myself from anything that could knock me off track including everyone I knew. I dropped off the face of the earth for a year, informing only a few people that would be “away” for a while.

I signed up for an intensive program which had me challenge my entire belief system and deconstruct my fragmented foundation. Then it would arm me with the tools needed to start from scratch and begin rebuilding my constitution. It was a sobering moment indeed when I began to comprehend the true origins of this disaster. I did everything in my power to replace my deadly state of denial with life affirming decisions.

They say it’s always darkest before the dawn. I can testify. I also found it to be bitterly cold during this transitory phase. Those who know me have an idea of what lengths I will go through to avoid chilly temperatures. But there was no getting around this deep freeze. If I wanted to do it right, I had to go through and bear it before I could experience the thaw.

What learned is that there were parts of me that had been “frozen” many years ago. Certain things had happened in my past that in essence, stopped time. In order for me to heal those hurts, I had to go back and revisit them. This is not an easy task and was not only confusing but downright scary at times.

Becoming healthy became my full time job and although there was a steep learning curve, I now seem to be winning. For the most part I am keeping natural, eating well, sleeping, and exercising regularly. I know it sounds trite, but somehow adherence to these simple routines is making all the difference.

Grateful for admittance.

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One Response to Reconstruction Zone

  1. Trina Lewis says:

    I am very proud of how far you have come – you are such a strong person!!

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