Toxic Trials

A week ago, I started a detox in which I have a very limited diet (no flour, sugar or milk products) supplemented by herbal pills and tinctures. I am sitting here on the morning of the seventh day of twelve. I think I just passed my biggest test and I just woke up in tears. I guess putting oneself through a cleansing and purifying process exposes a sensitive side. I am trying to put it all into perspective but I feel quite strongly about this. I am trying to hold myself to higher standards and in certain moments I am struggling.

Last night, I went to a party and had to make it through the whole night without “toxifying” myself in any way. Aside from the mental and physical stress I am going through due to this cleanse, I put myself through an enormous defining moment. I am relieved to say I did it but I am feeling very alone. My detox buddy turned out to be in a different place and I scrambled around scraping up bits and pieces of support wherever I could. I begged beautiful Petra who I am just beginning to know, to remind me that “these” people do exist.

The tears that have now evaporated off my pillow, come from sorrow and an intense longing. When I called my mom, she told me that in the end, there is really no human you can completely trust. She thinks that the state of self control, willpower and resolve is in serious decline. My sister said that this is just Carmella seeing the world for how it really is rather than looking at it through rose colored glasses.

I have to believe that there is hope. I know that virtues like honor, respect, loyalty and integrity live inside all of us. Perhaps they have been sleeping or have been drowned out by the awful noise of contempt, negligence, treachery and fear. My optimism has been ridiculed before. Instead of doubting myself and getting down about it, I am trying to just accept that we are all in different places. This means we will have different perspectives. I have to say that although life has been very trying lately, I have been passing each trial. And I feel much stronger every day.

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